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Charge, Car…Charge


internalSo many countries, and instead of uniting and celebrating our differences and diversity, we make gadgets with incompatible plugs. Seriously, what is WITH this world and its lack of proper adaptors??

I had to charge my phone in my car this morning, and the charger in there is the actual pits. It’d be more accurate to call it a ‘maintainer’, because the battery percentage doesn’t actually go up while my phone is plugged in. It just doesn’t go down. I wondered if it’s auto electrical problem, and had half a mind to drop in for car mechanic services. Ringwood wasn’t really on my way home, though. This could be a sign of something much worse, or it could just be that my car is bad at charging things. I could also ask them why the world is such a broken place, where you can’t get an adaptor for an American charger at short notice, but I don’t think they’d have an answer for that. Just the car thing, then.

Seriously, though, there’s a bunch of stuff about my car that I just do not like. It might have passed a roadworthy certificate test, but there’s no ‘speedy charger’ test. There should be, but there isn’t. There should also be a test for the seat noticing when a human is sitting in it, or a medium-sized bag. It beeps at me when it detects weight there without a seatbelt being fastened, completely forgetting that if that WAS a person, that person is under five kilos, a baby, and should thus be in the back strapped into a car seat anyway, so…who’s the clever one now, ya stupid vehicle?

It’s me. I know more than you. And I’d prove it if I could get a properly comprehensive log book service. Ringwood is just a bit too out of my way today, especially when I don’t have my phone charged enough for maps, so I guess it’s not to be. Not today.


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Flight, Aiding in Property Management

property advocateDo you think if people could fly, everybody would commute that way? I guess it would depend on the speed of the flight, and the relative stamina expended. If you could only fly at the speed of walking, and you get puffed if you flew at running pace for a kilometre or so, then it’d basically just be life as per usual except nobody ever has to ask to get things down from a high shelf.

Alright, so we’ll say it’s superhero-type flight, where it doesn’t seem to tire them and they’re quite swift. I think the oil crisis would vanish, and everyone’s commutes would be a lot more fun. In the summer, anyway.

There’s a reason I’m thinking of this, and that is because of buyers advocates. Yep…buyers advocates operating in Melbourne, and I guess elsewhere, but Melbourne is where I live so yeah. We recently sought them out because we’re totally clueless and don’t want to buy something awful that’s going to be a financial burden for the rest of our lives. I, personally, would like something high up. A nice apartment in the city, with some lovely views. But we went to see one such place after it was advertised, and it was certainly a long way up. There was a lift, of course. And also a concierge. But I’m just thinking, how does one go window shopping for an apartment? You’d have to be able to fly. And then if you could fly, then your commute would simply be opening the window and you’re off, into the sky! It’d almost be a waste if you could fly and you lived in the ground floor.

And then you’d see property advocate professionals in Melbourne doing more or less the same thing from the windows of apartments all around the city, because obviously that’s going to be a vital part of their home inspection duties: to check of the windows are suitable for a flying commute. That’s how I’d do it, anyway…


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Nosy Mother Sniffs Out Property Sales

Buyers AdvocatesI had a good old yarn on the phone with my mother this morning. The latest news on her end is that Mr. Beansley over the road is looking to selling his house off-market. My mother, naturally, is convinced that he must be up to no good, although I did my best to explain that there are plenty of valid reasons for doing this. Privacy, less stress, less preparation needed on the house to get it sale-ready, no advertising costs… there are lots of possibilities.

That Mr. Beansley is a mysterious fellow, to be sure, and I can sort of see where mum’s getting her suspicions from. But I do think she could afford to give the guy the benefit of the doubt. I mean, she’s the one who’s always secretly having the neighbour’s houses valued by one of her chums from the gym who happens to be a real estate agent.

Mum even went so far as to ask me if I could hire a buyers agent on her behalf, so that she could spy on the matter. I told her I’m not doing that, but she wouldn’t let up about it. “Don’t forget to look up the number of Susan’s buyers advocacy service in east Melbourne,” she said firmly, before hanging up the phone. Sigh. Even if I was prepared to do that, I can’t even begin to fathom who Susan is.

I reckon Mr. Beansley is on the far end of the shy side, and would like for the sale to slip under the radar, garnering as little buzz and attention as possible. My mother, on the end of the spectrum, wouldn’t settle for anything less than the most colourful public auction the inner east has ever seen. She is incapable of understanding how anyone could want anything other than to be the centre of attention at all times.

Mum claims she’s concerned with maintaining property values in the street, but I think she’s concerned with sticking her nose in other people’s business. Perhaps I should hire a buyers agent to professionally advise her of this.

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Looking After Kids…or Making Videos…

kids party venue MelbourneSo I don’t have a job anymore, because I quit. Mum’s been nagging me about it, but she just doesn’t understand: I AM going to make tons of money making videos and online reviews on Japanese products. It’s a growing market, and people online do it! All you need is passion and a camera, although having an easy-to-listen-to voice helps. Not sure if that’s me, but I’m not going to let that hold me back from success.

This is my dream…and I have the motivation to make it happen!

I already made my first video review, on Flower Bumblebee Magic Star X, which I only knew about because I did that little bit of child-minding at the indoor play centre. Melbourne has a booming anime industry, and also a booming kids party venue industry, and there’s still the unpleasant stigma that Japanese animation is meant for kids. One of my first goals after becoming Me-Straw famous is to dismantle that stereotype, but first, I have to dismantle all cartoons for children, ever. It’s an adult interest.

Remember that one set in the play centre, where the kids played and imagined magical worlds for themselves? Well, that one was in vogue for a while, and I even had a few friends on the forums saying that it was deceptively deep and meaningful. Whatever. They’re getting wrapped up in nostalgia because play centres are places of fun. They are, but just because they associate them with happy memories doesn’t make the show good or deep. Why do people have to try and making things unnecessarily complicated. 

Besides, going to a kids party venue close to Melbourne reminds me of my child-minding job, which in turn reminds me of the money I could be making reviewing Japanime. Which is why I’m focusing on the monstrosity that is Flower Bumblebee Magic Star X, which…

No, people could steal my idea. I’ll save that for the video.


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Scour that Shed of Pests

termite inspections MorningtonI keep telling Ollie that he needs to get out there into that shed and declutter. I’d do it myself, but the whole place is crawling with bugs, spiders, probably a lot of rats as well. And I think I’m stating the obvious when I say that I shouldn’t have to deal with THAT.

Oh good, he’s out there. The nagging has finally paid off, as it always does in the end. I should make sure he knows to check in the corners…I don’t want to be rooting around in there one day and have a massive huntsman land on my head. What fate could be worse?

One of the grandchildren used to want to be a pest control person. They lived in Mornington, pest control was all the rage and I think he had some special seminar at the school. I don’t really know…they seem to have more seminars in schools nowadays than they do actual schoolwork. Anyway, he got it into his head that he wanted to go around getting rid of pests and such things. I thought it was very unsuitable for a little boy at first, but at least it’s a useful job. Not one I thought about very much, but then I went to the shed to see if I could find the beach umbrella (got to be ready for when the weather finally changes!) and I swear it was like some kind of…insect zoo. They were everywhere, crawling over everything, and I swear I saw a rat darting underneath the old barbecue.

So, Ollie goes on to do his pest control, I get in there with the feather duster and just like that, we have a shed that we can actually use without fear of insect revolution. Although, considering how bad things are in there…I wonder if those Mornington termite inspection people are still in business? Termites are by far the worst. I don’t want to pay for a completely new shed after this one is eaten away!


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Vista is Only the Tip of the Iceberg

custom designed platformsYOU ARE TEARING ME APART, VISTA.

I thought I’d enjoy a desk job. Seems like a bad joke now, since it’s pretty much every problem you see in the sitcoms plus much more. People keep stealing my mugs AND my lunch. No one in this company understands a single thing about computers, to the point where sometimes I think they don’t even try to solve their problems, because they can just call the IT guys. And of course, every computer in the entire place is running on Vista, because that’s the perfect thing to round off my perfect purgatory.

Builders are just nicer people, I’ve decided. Painters are generally pretty decent as well. Sometimes I’m sitting at my computer desk, and I feel my fingers twitching to set up a set of mobile aluminium scaffolding, because there are few things more satisfying than setting up your own platform. Tapping away on computer keys just isn’t the same, even when you’re solving about ten problems per hour. They’re not satisfying problems, is the thing.

I’d even be willing to set aside my crippling fear of the sun. Honestly, towards the end when the boss was starting to get suspicious that I took every sunny day off, I think I was close to getting over it. There WAS that one day where I was nearly rumbled, but I took an umbrella atop the aluminium platform and said it was because I was peeling from sunburn and didn’t want to get burned again. It sounded good at the time.

Now I’m watching people down below from my window, setting up custom design platforms and having the best of times. The times I should be having. At the very least, I’m getting rid of Vista and bringing this country into the 20th century, because it really is tearing me apart.


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Filming is Harder Than You Think

Dandenong pest exterminatorFirst day of shooting, and I’m already fed up with movie making. I’m not giving up- that’d be a terrible way to finish an entire lifetime of ambition- but wow, they don’t teach you about any of this stuff in film school. Maybe that’s because this is an amateur production and I don’t have a producer dealing with all the petty details. It’s just me, the director, dealing with all the garbage, all the actors and makeup people…and other stuff.

But really, so much stuff that they can’t teach you in uni, because it just HAPPENS. We were supposed to be filming in an abandoned hay barn, but it turned out that the place was infested with termites. Had to call up the Dandenong based termite control place for a quote, then they said that the place wasn’t stable because of the termite damage. I had to then make the decision of whether to reschedule- again- or proceed and hope the whole thing didn’t just come down on our heads. In the end, I went for a combination of both. Had to switch the screenplay around so the girl playing Maya didn’t spend any time on the upper balcony, but instead came in through the side. Ruined some of the shot since she was supposed to be silhouetted in the sunlight streaming in through the upper window…but the alternative was her crashing through the floorboards, breaking a leg and never working with me again. Then the clouds came over the sun and our lighting was ruined anyway. The catering company got the wrong day. And then my lead had to act through severe mould allergies, so now every shot makes him look like he’s about to burst into tears.

Nightmare. It cannot be like this all the time, I’m sure. Though the owner of the barn should thank us for setting the Dandenong pest control people on the place before it was eaten away. Had a feeling something was wrong from our initial scouting.


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Ladders: A Step-by-Step Guide

custom laddersSometimes, it’s good to go over the basics. Think you know how to cook rice? You’d be surprised by how many people have taken our ten-week rice cooking course and discovered that they’d been doing it wrong this whole time!

Or perhaps you THINK you know how to make a bed. As our twelve-week course will show you, making a bed is a thousand-year-old art with a thousand subtleties. Learn how the ancients developed the technique. Impress your family and friends. Become the ultimate bed-making master!

These courses and more are currently available in our vast selection. Popular this month is a short, four-week course in ladder assembly and climbing. There are so many different types of ladder that a layman can be confused whilst doing the simplest job. The basics of the course cover the many types of ladder, from basic wooden structures to mobile aluminium scaffolding. We then walk people through the process of climbing a ladder, from putting the first foot on the first rung, all the way through to such developments as stepping on a rung for the fifth time. You may think it’s simple…but what do you then do with your hands?? Do you have the coordination to operate them at the same time as your feet? It’s not as easy as you think.

For our advanced class, students will go onto setting up basic ladder-like structures, placing them against the wall, and making sure that users are not going to plummet downwards to potential injury. Our latest ladder course has received great reviews, with many asking it to be extended into a six-month course that includes the basics of using a step-ladder, or even something more extreme like custom ladders.

This and more awaits you if you choose one of our great courses. Meet new friends, learn some vital skills, and improve yourself today!

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The romance of beauty treatments

laser hair removalI have no idea what I’m going to do. It’s the first time I’d been invited out on a date in over a year. I’m not a particularly social person and don’t have the confidence to asked those I’ve fancied out for dinner. I don’t want to invite people into my life, but if they are willing to walk into it I’m more than happy to have the company.

I‘ve been hurt too many times before and that is my way of protecting myself from any further scars. It’smy safeguard, my way of ensuring I don’t put trust in the wrong people who end up disappointing me. The guy at my local bakery has served me each afternoon for the past five years. I love our little afternoon chats, but I never thought he viewed me in a romantic way. When he invited me to a new restaurant that had just opened I was shocked and in a soft gasp, I accepted his invitation.

With the date fast approaching, I’m frantically trying to prepare myself. I don’t want to mess up this opportunity. I have decided the best thing to do, for my sanity and for my date’s sake, is to book in an appointment for laser hair removal. Melbourne is a progressive city where women are free to do as they please. It’s my choice to get hair removal, I’m not doing it to meet some expectations. That being said, I need the help of professionals to take care of my appearance, that way all I have to focus on is not making a fool of myself.

The one thing I was definitely going to have done is laser hair removal, but why stop at that? It’s been such a long time since I’ve had any romance in my life, perhaps I should try some other treatments. I’ve always thought my lips could use some more volume, and I’ve had a friend tell me all of the benefits of lip injections. Melbourne men probably don’t care about such things, it’s more of a confidence thing in myself. I have a good feeling about this, my life could use a little excitement.

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A change of direction

emergency plumberThis may be a bit of a radial proposition over here so just hear me out.

Firstly, I’d like to kick this off by saying I hate what I’m doing. I’m not saying that to be melodramatic, either. I know a lot of people love studying and love going to uni and all that jazz but it really just isn’t for me. The problem is, though, that it was always more or less expected that I would go to uni. My parents didn’t come from the most well off backgrounds, and they always wanted more for me. They just didn’t necessarily take into account what I wanted out of life. The other day it just kind of clicked. I am my own person, not my parent’s realisation of the life they could have had. I can live the life I chose.

So I’ve started looking at what kind of courses there are for plumbers in Melbourne. I know, I know, I’m probably not going to find a trade course for free on the internet, but I can try. More than that, I’m just starting to get my eye in. I’m starting to work out how long these kind of plumbing courses go for, what I can expect to get out of them, what exactly I’ll be qualified for once I finish. There are so many things like apprenticeships and stuff that I’d never really had to take into consideration before, but I can see it’s a big part of training to be a plumber. It’s not all fun and games, quite often you’re on call as a 24 hour emergency plumber. Melbourne has serious standards, and if I’m going to be a part of this drain unblocking world, I’m going to have to face my fears. I just hope I’m strong enough and brave enough to make such a drastic change. I hope my parents understand that I need to do whatever it takes to be happy.

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